Templates by Jack Kuveke

Today I graduated from Stanford University Graduate School of Business, here's how I got into the elite school without a college degree:

1. I studied hours a day for 6 months to get a top 1% GMAT score (thank god for Adderall and ZYN)

2. I hustled my way into a top investment banking firm to bolster my resume (Jamie Dimon lost a bet to my dad on the golf course and was forced to pull a couple strings)

3. I volunteered at a homeless shelter even though I feel like they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps

When these strategies failed to get me into Stanford, Harvard, Columbia, and MIT I pulled out my uno reverse card & did the unthinkable:

I donated $750k to each school & within days I received personal phone calls from the deans of every top university in America.

This validation reminded me that I am just as smart & talented as my peers

#mba #entrepreneurship #venturecapital

I’ve made $4M this year as an Instagram self help guru. Here’s my step by step playbook for how you can do the same:

Step 1: Get abs. No one will take seriously if you’re not ripped, so take the last $58 in your bank account & get planet fitness membership

Step 2: Pick a scam to sell to your audience. It can be drop shipping, vending machines, amazon fulfillment, etc. Your audience will have a collective IQ of 42 so you can really pick anything you want.

Step 3: Hire models to take photos with you & your laptop. Be sure to have a dashboard pulled up showing your followers how much fake money you’re making every week.

Step 4: Sneak into local car dealerships at night, and take photos with expensive cars that aren’t yours.

Step 5: Be more unhinged with every Instagram post. Start wearing insane sunglasses, get a tattoo of a Chinese proverb on your neck, & exclusively wear silk underwear

Final step: Move to either Miami, Dubai, or LA & buy a strip club. This is where you’ll spend your final years before you’re inevitably raided by the IRS.

#startups #entrepreneurship #wisdom

Go listen to me talk to Nathan Beckord about how I raised a $53M+ crowdfund & $2.3M seed round:

When Nathan hit me up to be on the podcast my first thought was, 'I can't believe I scammed this very legit founder into thinking I'm credible'.

Thankfully it actually turned out to be a good interview, listen here: https://lnkd.in/e5gM_V5n

P.S. I know this photo in the thumbnail isn't me, but I promise I'm actually the idiot getting interviewed <3

#startups #venturecapital #fundraising

I got to the end of a 2-week due diligence process with an AMAZING founder recently, $60k MMR w/ 90%+ retention, but there were some MAJOR red flags...

He helps his kids with math homework after work - instead of helping his sales reps close more deals 🚩

He has a healthy relationship with his wife & never misses a date night - your relationship with your investor comes first 🚩

He volunteers at the soup kitchen on the weekend - never give away your time for free 🚩

Worst of all, he’s saving for his kids' college tuition 🚩

If you haven’t invested your kids' entire college fund in your startup, you don’t have what it takes to be the next Sam Bankman-Fried

Needless to say, Jabroni Capital passed on the deal

#startups #venturecapital

This is how I’m spending my memorial day instead of catching up on work

God bless America 🇺🇸

I’m sure you most of you uncultured buffoons don’t know this, but in France they don’t pronounce the letter H...

Which means a couple of Baguette loving tech dorks gave their company NO NAME and proceeded to raise a $220M seed round from billionaires and venture capitalists.

If these frog eating cowards can raise $220M for a 1 letter AI startup, then if I name my next startup after the longest word in the dictionary:

‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis’

I guess we’ll raise $9.9B in our first round of funding.

#startups #venturecapital

Next Wednesday at 2:30PM EST I'm hosting a free webinar to help pre-seed founders raise money 💸

Raising money sucks, but I've helped make it suck less for founders who've raised $100M+

I'll share a couple tactics & offer live Q&A to help you raise money.

These tactics:

- Will help you book more meetings

- Create urgency and momentum in your raise

- Help close your round faster

Sign up here: https://lu.ma/cwkt43fc

#venturecapital #startups #fundraising

Inspired by NYC’s mayor, I’m spending 2 months in the south of France this summer to fix the broken VC system & help underrepresented startup founders receive more funding.

Although I’ll be unavailable to my portfolio companies & to respond to founders who wish to receive funding from Jabroni Capital, just know that I will be with you in spirit.

Every day when I eat fresh oysters & drink Champagne, I will be thinking of the thousands of underrepresented founders who struggle to raise venture funding.

Thankfully I will be surrounded by the best people suited to solve this problem: rich silicon valley tech founders, Russian models, Saudi Princes, & famous Actors who are co-founders of crypto scams.

Through hard work & with ample time spent on the beaches in the French Riviera, we can accomplish anything.

#venturecapital #startups